Jorge Etcheverry
(Thanks, Ozimandeus)
The English text is a translation of the original
Spanish version
The
last idea that occurred to me that morning would not have been considered a
serious idea by any philosopher, or at least not by one who believed that men
are autonomous, the subjects of their history or actions, in a world
essentially harmonious and oriented forward, towards a promising future, where
eventually our children or our children's children will live free even from the
last drop of ignorance. Once, perhaps in the Middle Ages, a renowned
philosopher and theologian, following Aristotle, had proclaimed this doctrine
amidst the stench of the pyres where the plague-dead were consumed or witches
writhed and screamed. The thing is, in my native country, I used to teach
philosophy at the secondary level and was starting to do so at the university
level. Before having to leave due to the force of circumstances and after
several failed attempts that I will not mention, I came to Canada after and as
a result of the sorrowful and well-known alternatives of the military coup of
1973 in Chile, now 50 years ago.
Because
the idea that came to my mind while drinking my coffee was at once a marvel of
implacable logic and nonsense, born of that same logic—I want to believe—so
perfect as it was cold. We can suppose that a jury as benevolent as it is
understanding might have acquitted this writer, in reality an ex-subject, or
perhaps—not surprisingly I think this way, since I know Marx, of course, and am
rather deterministic—someone who has never been a subject, and who, driven by
the atrocious and disheartening, but also quite comical, spectacle of the
world's march in this third decade of the twenty-first century, if we follow
the official quantification of history according to the Christian myth, and who
is struggling to find solutions to the state of things, solutions that one
implicitly knows will never be so, since they do not emerge from the viscous
walls of the head, nor extend beyond the reach of people sitting conversing in
a café, on the shores of a lake, in the summer, leaning back in their lounge
chairs, or in any room of this city in this ultimately quite peaceful and
affluent country that simply seems to exist.
There
is a type of person who, in order to be able to perform the aforementioned,
that is, to exist, must at least know what to expect. This type of person has a
terrible fear of chaos, of disorder. Perhaps due to my delicate, or seemingly
delicate, constitution, I lack the proclivity to spend my day organizing
papers, washing dirty dishes, sweeping or vacuuming, ironing or washing
clothes, etc., answering phone messages, the old-fashioned mail, and why not
say it, even the texts on the cell phone, the emails. There are still people
who write or send magazines, books, notes, and expect one to reply promptly,
using old-fashioned paper or pen, or pencil—this retro thing that is coming
back—or through computers or cell phones, email. And this fear of chaos that we
mentioned earlier is not at all scarce in this environment, as it afflicts a
lot of people, and—quite naturally—often ties in with a fairly rigorous logic
on the part of those affected. After all, logic, reason, even in their
embryonic and elementary attempts, constitute forms that try to order the chaos
that these individuals feel threatens them from all sides, something that often
rests on events still present in the memory of the person in question.
Because
in my personal case, this fear of chaos, of disorder—which a professional
labeled as a symptom of my post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)—is still
present, and is ratified by my almost physical scrawniness that implies
vulnerability—which, however, as age advances, is becoming a virtue, thin
people are back in fashion—this fear is tempered with the subliminal memory,
but not so much, that lurks from the edges of the organized picture of everyday
life, and provides, so to speak, a backdrop, a precedent, a landscape more or
less like what follows and that ended in a trauma still present despite the
passage of 50 years:
When
I was young and frequented university classrooms in Chile, I was still far from
imagining what really lay behind words such as Imperialism, Torture,
Repression. Left-wing Parties enjoyed an enviable position. Representatives of
political parties almost impossible in other latitudes perfected their oratory
in forums such as State Television, universities, Congress. Democracy, like a
mother with a vast lap, protected her sometimes unruly children. Like any
Middle-Class Son who, dissatisfied with the social and family environment,
sought a kind of transcendence, I joined one of the newest and most radical
groups of the Sixties Left. The decade opened like a Multifaceted Flower in the
Sky of the Country, reflecting as in a mirror the Distant Light of the
Guerrilla Movements that, after the Cuban Revolution, sprang up in all Latin American
Countries. Handfuls of middle-class youth, professional and brilliant, even
sometimes handsome, sometimes achieved almost impossible alliances with
working-class, peasant, indigenous elements. The More Established Left, with
another origin, looked with hostility and irony at these youthful outbreaks.
But
at that time, from history, the figures of Manuel Rodríguez and José Miguel
Carrera created wings and cast halos from the primary school textbooks. They
gained ground against the more established, portly figure of O'Higgins, who
minted the Republic from the meager drawing of the chauchas—penny coins—and
rose again in the dreams of my Generation Companions, men and women, their gaze
fixed on the horizon, their hair in the wind.
But
ours was a dream of crazy children. As for our livelihood, some still lived
under the family roof. The majority, like me, started with teaching hours in a
high school—I studied Pedagogy in Philosophy and Spanish—or in private schools
or had—like me—some assistantship at the university. Although the possibilities
of a stable future were slowly closing the door on us, there was a certain ease
to live. Everyone sensed the Era that would follow the one closing with the
Christian Democrats. The atmosphere that bathed the country was like the roof
of a greenhouse on which a certain historical hail fell. I was starting to
embark on a professional future that seemed secure, I knew and was intimate
with the one who would become my wife over time. At the same time, this process
touched or included, like an oil stain, all my friends, and beyond, our group,
even our generation.
The
atrocities committed by nationalist or anti-communist organizations abroad came
to us filtered, they seemed like something remote and contrary to that general
intoxication of a life still and yet beginning to bloom, we now know, under
deadlines that were shortening. We talked about our specificity: the country is
not a soil for coups or bloody revolutions. The ACHA—Chilean Anti-Communist
Action—was a pitiful group of retired military men. The stories of the Spanish
Revolution—in which my father, like so many others, had fought under Republican
colors—had an ancient and romantic tint for us. I would recline for hours at my
girlfriend's house in a town in the NORTE CHICO reading collections from the
thirties of the magazine Para Ti, a period that I associated with the Spanish
Revolution through an unexperienced nostalgia. Intellectual voracity even led
us to the pages of the historian Vicuña Mackenna, to glimpse the horror of the
War to the Death, which in 1979 decreed the death of Araucanian children over 8
years old. The Alamedas were then wide and allowed me to mix my incipient
teaching duties with avant-garde militancy and frequenting the books of Eliphas
Levy, Gurdieff, Ouspensky, Scott Elliot, and Meyrink, along with Debray, El
Diario del Ché in Bolivia, the Little Manual of the Urban Guerrilla by
Marighella. The atmosphere of the country was like a luxury that allowed the
cohabitation of many women with the same man, or vice versa, as different
styles of furniture in the same room. The Crowing of Roosters and Birds in the
early mornings opened a horizon not limited by the (nearby) mountains. I don't
know if that sensation is perhaps something that all young people at that age
feel when they awaken to social, romantic, cultural, or political life, or if
it was a sign of an evidence that the structure set from time immemorial by
history was going to open like a rotten orange.
And
by that time, futurologists were beginning to become popular in our
environment, mainly disseminated through articles. Some stark interpretations
of history were beginning to be known, always marginally. It must be clarified
that by then I had access to foreign magazines with restricted circulation,
because I was involved in the editorial of a poetry magazine. I always looked
for small notes in magazines and newspapers with wide circulation. These
speculations remained far from General Thought. But we also had a kind of
optimism partly justified by the traditional solidity of our institutions,
despite radicalizing ourselves to the point of sporadic shooting practices, we
did not really believe that blood was going to reach the river, the pavement of
the streets, to splash the walls. Or maybe there was another bloodthirsty
animal alongside the emblematic animals, with the condor and the huemul of our
national shield, and also in its shadow, the ostrich, which they say buries its
head in the ground in unusual or dangerous circumstances. Books related to the
Spanish Revolution mysteriously disappeared from the shelves of libraries. If
any discussion existed regarding the imminence of the Coup in those days of the
Popular Government, it was reduced to the High Spheres, to the Inner Circles of
the various parties. The Brazilian case of theThe Brazilian case from the
previous decade was also not appreciated for its evident parallel to our
situation. A few days after Allende's election, the organization I was part of
produced a university-level pamphlet announcing the inevitability (imminence)
of a coup. We were a group of doomsayers whose arguments were soon discredited.
Those years were rapid and frenetic.
Now,
as I pause to smoke a cigarette, the first, at this small table on the terrace
where smoking is allowed in this other country, I ponder how this universal
phenomenon makes the places of origin, countries, neighborhoods, etc.,
indelibly settle in memory, even though logic tells us, in all these new places
where we have chosen or been forced to reside, that things must have changed
back there and are probably becoming more similar to what is here, which they
call globalization. I remember discussing in the late sixties with a friend and
comrade in the Pedagogic Gardens, "Look, Teacher, since the end of last
year with the General Strike, it seems things are moving faster. We haven't had
a moment of respite." The Teacher removed his glasses and cleaned them
with an automatic gesture, which, along with his serious face and conservative
way of dressing, made him seem much older, and he said, "It seems we are
definitively leaving behind the peaceful days. Dantón and Álvaro were just
coming out of the Geography Department with posters they were sticking on the
walls, a female companion with abundant curly hair and beautiful legs was
applying glue behind them.
And
I reminisce and see another young woman, almost with that same hair, here in
this other hemisphere, decades later. The sky is dotted with flocks of geese
migrating south at this time of year. The Teacher was one of those unblemished
and studious young men who seemed very comfortable in the type of clothing
their parents wore. They advance the clock a few years and fit into the habits
and appearances of maturity. In our (my) country, the weight of the image of
the adult male and his attire is something serious. With a brown and grayish
complexion, fine features, and hair always combed with plenty of pomade, he had
two sensitive and large eyes that shone with a quiet fire on grand occasions,
generally coated with an opaque glow. Despite his thinness and (supposed)
fragility, he commanded respect and emanated a sense of calm strength. These
things one saw and registered in passing, with the corner of the eye. Now I see
them again and analyze them, the details a bit blurred in memory. Perhaps I
could put a cross to the right above the name, if he did not survive the Coup
or the subsequent repression. What is important to point out is that perhaps
that concrete and individual person that one knew for years, without becoming
intimate, because one becomes intimate with some and not others, depending on
the circle, interests, etc., was swept away, and that each of the tortured or
dead was real and particular to each of those who knew them. I know he has a
cousin in Montreal and maybe he is still alive, getting by somehow, doing who
knows what. Perhaps what happens is that we were formed in an environment where
the Individual Person mattered, in a more or less modernist sense, of course.
Great Natural and Social Cataclysms erase individualities by the thousands. In
the neighboring country of Bolivia, around sixty-five, the sons of the
landowners went out in helicopters to hunt Indians for sport (this was told to
me by Mabel, a Chilean girl who lived in Bolivia, whom I dated a few times, in
my now distant youth). Another very objective and rational opinion, but very
difficult to assimilate even for someone like me, who once, decades ago, taught
philosophy, would be that "after all, we are all going to die someday, whether
sooner or later, en masse or individually, the circumstances themselves do not
alter the fact in the slightest." But despite our attempts, we have never
been able to internalize this type of reasoning.
And
returning to the subject of fear, I think such a perception of reality is not
strange at all and perhaps denotes a certain adaptation to the state of
things—or states of things—and it's not that I'm trying to excuse neurosis or
paranoia—the persecution, as we called it in our militant times, in our homeland—but
it would be more or less normal given that the finiteness of human life is an
ever-present fact but one that is not often thought about. And if we turn to
metaphysics and glance at a slender, dark-skinned girl with glorious hair
approaching and swaying with a café au lait, which could fall and spill over
the terrace tiles, we think of the tendency towards entropy of any order that
may be, and from this so-called distant perspective, we don't have much right,
not even the most humanistic among us, to deny the existence of a certain
unease that afflicts the man (or woman) who, knowing they are mortal, can
easily make such an order in their life that somehow compensates for the chaos
that surrounds them and that will ultimately, like everyone, end up
annihilating them. All musings that will soon disappear from my mind, as the
coffee will be followed by an American breakfast of eggs, toast, more coffee,
bacon, like the one already being brought to my neighbor at the next table, who
receives it without looking up from her miniscreen while I,
surreptitiously—here one cannot look directly, it is frowned upon—admire her
perfect, bronzed legs, and an incredible tattoo that climbs up one of them like
a vine disappearing into her shorts.
But
the person calling me on the cell phone is not one of my—few—friends, or even
the fewer, who might share that conclusion, bear their vital scandal without
feeling obscurely offended, and who might even understand and enjoy the humor,
patent to anyone who is not a complex-ridden man or woman, although in this
other land, touted as a land of opportunities and where they have made other
lives, but which are still marked by the original stigmas. It was not the
skinny guy from the Spanish circle who wanted to organize a prose or poetry
workshop, in a vain attempt to introduce a bit of literary culture into the
optional Spanish language literacy plans in secondary and adult education,
proposing something like that to an audience that would surely be composed of
retired ladies or gentlemen, the rudiments of the different genres; prose,
poetry, essay, theatre, and even perhaps screenwriting for cinema or
television, the only truly profitable field for writing in these times, and I
say this from my only experience, which was for a Chilean filmmaker, quite
cheap, but in comparison...
And
while one answers the phone, one cannot help but part the curtains by the
window to see if the neighbour is getting dressed—at that time of the morning
sometimes, when she doesn't go to work, since she must work part-time, as they
say here, half a day, and one assumes that she also studies at the university,
although one is not very sure of her age, although she looks to be between her
twenties and thirties, a bit plump, but very well-made, shapely—when it's not
her turn to go to work or to the university—if we assume she is studying—she is
usually seen walking, doing one thing or another, passing by the window of her
room, or other rooms of the house she shares with other young people, I'm not
sure if they are friends, people who share nothing more than the same place,
roommates, as they say here, with nothing in common, maybe smoking is not
allowed, because I've seen how she sometimes closes the door of her room,
lights an incense stick and smokes a cigarette, at night, from time to time,
behind her almost completely transparent curtains behind which she moves,
perhaps unaware that a few meters away is precisely the window of the little
room I call my study, at that very time I lose the desire to examine some of
the papers I leave on the desk—I still have the habit of correcting manuscripts
by hand, on sheets of paper, one is already a dinosaur—and she gets out of bed
in her bedroom and goes to the study, but it is not known if she is aware of
that fact, whether she is in other words an exhibitionist who is lucky enough
to live in the house next door and with the window almost adjacent to a voyeur,
or whether she innocently lives comfortably, turning the furtive act of
systematic or occasional, intentional or casual observation into a crime in
this society that is a bit harsh on these, let's say, minor things, but which
allows drug dealers and bastards to occupy their downtown corners for years,
doing their business in plain sight of everyone, and even more so of the
police.
But
we must also not forget some mitigating elements: a large part of those
protagonists, and most of the young women they exploit in prostitution, are
minors, and if they are occasionally apprehended, they do not take long to
return to circulation. And the same police declare through their spokespeople,
in the face of the admonitions and recriminations of anguished parents, that if
they decide to tighten the screws on the rats that work on the corners, they
will let the big fish that direct them and whom they are actually trying to
control escape. No. It is not one's fault. Just as events like the massacre 50
years ago and the subsequent dictatorship that brought us here, to these
latitudes, are not. When I moved, the situation was already set up that way,
and it would have been the same whether it was me or an armadillo who came to
rent that fairly cheap apartment, because working as a freelance translator,
that is, independently, one does not know for sure what the income will be at
the end of the month. Moreover, there's an almost fanatical consensus on
personal privacy: perhaps that curtain that covers nothing, especially at night
when the lights are off, is a convention, a symbol, that makes the locals not
officially observe and that this possible spectacle does not exist for them,
nor in their view, expressing it in a more pedantic way and with the style
(borrowed) of some of my academic friends in that Chile of the past, the
current one I do not know: horizon of expectations.